Happy Hilarious New Year - Jan 3, 1999

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Happy Hilarious New Year: [FINAL Edition]

Kornheiser, Tony. The Washington Post [Washington, D.C] 03 Jan 1999: F01.

Let's not stand on ceremony. It's the annual New Year's joke column, in which I tell other people's jokes. Don't shoot me, I'm just the typist.
Credit this to David Zack:
A wife asks her husband, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?"
"After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship."
"If I died and you remarried," the wife asks, "would she live in this house?"
"We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house," the wife asks, "would she sleep in our bed?"
"Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess she would."
"If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"
"Oh, no," the husband replies. "She's left-handed."
Brent Summerhays sent this one in:
A Marine on his way home from the Pentagon was stuck in traffic he thought was worse than usual. Noticing a policeman walking among the stalled cars, he asked, "Officer, what's the holdup?"
The policeman says: "The president is so depressed about being impeached that he stopped his motorcade, and he is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him, and he doesn't have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers. I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."
"Oh, really?" the Marine says. "How much have you collected so far?"
"So far only 33 gallons, but I've got a lot of folks still siphoning."
My friend Tracee told me this:
God calls a meeting of Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton and Bill Gates. He says, "You're the three most important people on Earth, and I need to tell you that the end of the world is coming tomorrow. Now go and tell your people."
Yeltsin gathers his advisers and says, "I have two pieces of bad news: God does exist. And the world is ending tomorrow."
Clinton assembles his Cabinet and says, "I have good news and bad news: There is a God. But the world is ending tomorrow."
Gates calls his cronies and says, "Good news: I'm one of the three most important people in the world, and that Y2K problem is solved."
Josh from Alexandria sends this:
Why did the blonde climb the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.
My editor Rich found this on the Internet:
A guy walks into a bar, and there's a horse behind the bar serving drinks. The guy stares, and finally the horse says, "Hey buddy, haven't you ever seen a horse serving drinks before?"
"No, it's not that -- it's just that I never thought the parrot would sell the place."
My friend Sherman the dentist tells this:
A guy is mowing his lawn when he sees an odd funeral procession go by -- a hearse followed by a man walking a dog, followed by about 100 men walking single file. The guy approaches the man with the dog and asks, "Who's in the hearse?"
"That's my mother-in-law," the man says. "This dog killed her."
The guy whistles. "Wow. Can I borrow your dog?"
"Get in line."
From friend-of-the-column Todd Rudy:
A man arrives at the pearly gates and St. Peter looks up his record and says, "Well, you didn't do anything particularly good, but neither did you do anything particularly bad. I'll tell you what, if you can tell me of one really good deed you've done, I'll let you stay."
So the man says, "Well, once I saw some bikers menacing a young woman. I stopped my car. I took out my tire iron. I walked up to their leader -- a huge, hairy, ugly man, full of tattoos. He had a nose ring. I ripped it right out of his nose, and I said, `You leave this girl alone, you hear?' I stared at all of them, and I said, "Now get out of here, or you'll have to answer to me."
St. Peter was impressed.
"When did this happen?" he asked the man.
"About two minutes ago."
And this from Laura Campbell:
A man rushes into the veterinarian's office carrying his dog, thoroughly distraught. The vet examines the dog's still, limp body and sadly informs the man that the dog is dead. Agitated, the man demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat, and places the cat on the table with the dog. The cat walks from head to tail sniffing the body, and looks up at the vet and meows.
The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks your dog is dead too."
Resigned, the man says, "Okay, how much do I owe you?"
"Three-hundred fifty dollars," the vet says.
"Three-hundred fifty dollars to tell me my dog is dead?"
"Well, it was only $50 for my diagnosis. The other $300 is for the cat scan."

Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 3, 1999
 
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