Jokes On Me - Jan 1, 1995

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Jokes On Me: [FINAL Edition]

KORNHEISER, TONY. The Washington Post (pre-1997 Fulltext) [Washington, D.C] 01 Jan 1995: f.01.

Continuing the tradition begun here last year, once again we proudly ring you into the New Year with a bunch of jokes. Why do we do this? One, because it is my responsibility as a professional writer to offer people some meager respite from the harshness of the world by passing along "folk" humor developed in America's heartland and honed over countless retellings into perfect jewels of whimsy and wisdom. And two, because I get to type a few lines without breaking a sweat and am outta here for the holidays.

A career sailor, 20 years in the Navy, is the only survivor of an explosion at sea. He swims to a desert island. The next day, miraculously, Cindy Crawford shows up too. Trapped together for eternity, they become friendly, and in a few weeks they become lovers.

One day a trunk of men's clothing, probably flotsam from the shipwreck, washes up on the beach. The sailor takes out every piece and lovingly examines it. He turns to Cindy and asks if she wouldn't mind putting on a pair of the pants.
She puts on the pants.
"And would you put on this shirt?" he asks her.
She's beginning to feel a bit strange about this, but she does it. Now she has on men's trousers and a flannel shirt.
Next, he has her put on a man's jacket and cordovan shoes and a tie.
"Would you pull your hair back and put on the sailor hat, so you look just like a man?" he asks.
She does it, and now she's feeling like something really weird is happening.
"And Cindy, would you take your famous makeup and paint on a mustache?"
Somewhat reluctantly, she does this also. A big handlebar.
Then, the guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out something he has been saving for a special moment, since the day of the shipwreck. A huge, fat cigar. He puts this in her mouth and lights it with his last match.
"One more thing, Cindy, would it be okay if I call you Bob?"
She shrugs.
"Bob," he says.
"Yes?" Cindy replies.
"Bob, you'll never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

A man joins a monastery, which has a particularly strict vow of silence: All talking is prohibited, but at the end of each year you are allowed to write down two words.
At the end of the first year, the man writes: "Food bad."
At the end of the second year, he writes: "Bed hard."
At the end of the third year, he writes: "I quit."
The abbot writes back: "I'm not surprised. All you've done since you got here is complain."
An old Jewish man gets struck by a bus. As he's lying on the ground, a Catholic priest comes over to give him aid.
"Do you know about the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit?" the priest asks.
The man looks up at the crowd that has gathered, and says, "I'm dying, and this one's asking me riddles."
On the night of their 30th anniversary, Sam says to Myrna, "I love you as much now as I did the day we were married. For our anniversary nothing's too good for you. Whatever you want, I'll buy it. Come on, let's go to dinner; wherever you want, I'll take you."
"Actually," Myrna says, "I was hoping we might have a quiet dinner at home - then we'll go upstairs and, heh-heh, try to recapture what we had 30 years ago."
So they have their dinner, and they're going upstairs, when Myrna says out of nowhere, "I want snails."
"What??" Sam asks.
"I want snails."
"Aw, honey, it's late and ... "
"Sam, you said I could have anything I want - nothing's too good for me. Well, I want snails. Please get me some."
So Sam gets in his car and drives to a French restaurant and picks up two buckets of snails. On his way home he sees a beautiful young woman in obvious distress, standing by a car, waving a white handkerchief. Sam can see that the only thing wrong with the car is a flat tire, so he fixes it for her and gets into his car to go back to his wife. But the young woman insists that first he come up to her apartment for a drink. That drinks leads to another, and another, and Sam and the woman end up, shall we say, "compromised," and the next thing Sam knows he wakes up and it's 8 a.m.
"Oh, my God!" Sam exclaims, and he rushes to his car.
He drives back to his house as fast as he can. He takes the two buckets of snails from the car and spills them onto his driveway. Then, he starts honking his horn as loud as he can.
Hearing the commotion, Myrna runs to the window, throws it open, spies Sam and begins shouting, "Sam! Where have you been? It's 8 in the morning!"
Waving his arms wildly at the snails, Sam exhorts, "Come on, guys, we're almost there. Just a few feet more!"
A man comes home and shouts in exultation at his wife, "Honey, I won the lottery! I won the lottery! Pack your things!"
His wife asks excitedly, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?"
The man says, "I don't care as long as you're out of here in 20 minutes."
Two guys are sitting at opposite ends of a bar, when one calls out, "You know, I think I recognize you. Are you by any chance from Wisconsin?"
"Yes, surely I am," the other man answers.
"And do I detect a slight brogue in your voice?" the first man says. "Might you be from Ireland originally?"
"Dublin," the other man answers, somewhat taken back.
"Dublin! Well, where'd you go to school?"
"St. Mary's."
"St. Mary's! I went to St. Mary's too! What a coincidence. And when'd you get out?"
"I got out in 1963."
"No! Amazing! I got out in 1963 too. This is incredible!"
The bartender leans over to the customer in front of him and says, "We're in for a long night. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

Copyright The Washington Post Company Jan 1, 1995
 
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